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Scratch at these scars til they bleed of what was
I won't stay around if our smiles fade
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2nd-Dec-2009 12:11 am(no subject)
walking away
I haven't written in my livejournal in a very long time.

Things are entirely different I suppose. I'm still in Flagstaff, but I have stopped all medication. I have been off my medication for months now. Which I am realizing is bad, because I'm falling into a deep depression. I'm unable to look at myself in the mirror again. I am unable to sleep. I cry more frequently. Which is has become awful.

Brandon and I are still together. We're doing good. With problems every here and there - from recovering from the Mike ordeal. Otherwise, the good news is, he bought me a ring.

I don't have much else to say right now. I'm sure when I am in Tucson I will write more.

23rd-May-2009 10:35 pm(no subject)
walking away
The best way to sum up the past two months is...

I left Brandon for another guy. Mike. I work with him. I was good friends with him for a while. I've even mentioned him, a tiny bit, in my entry about Trevor. Regardless. It was a mistake. Mike was a "recovering" alcoholic that relapsed. I don't know what got into my to believe that he was going to "quit" - I don't know what got into me to believe the same words I've heard from alcoholics all my life, but I did. Mike was staying with me for a while, and things got out of control. I kicked him out of the apartment, and as of now, he is no longer welcome at the apartment.

I made some huge mistakes. And I've hurt Brandon tremendously. I am sure this makes my last entry a lot more clear, I just wish this topic were easier for me to write about... I don't know... I just thought I would post this little update...

and let everyone know I am still alive, I'm back with Brandon and trying to get my life back in order... I'll try to update more... but as far as this topic goes.. if you want to know more about it... message me privately, it's just ah ard thing to talk about...
22nd-Apr-2009 03:03 am - Now we're to far gone.
walking away
I know this wont make sense to a lot of people. But in order for me to update on everything, I would be here all night.

The entire way to the bus station he screamed at me. He screamed fact after fact about me. Then tore me to shreds with harsh words of worthlessness. How I don't care. How he can't believe I am leaving him. How he HAD TO be the one to say goodbye to me, because he has to let go of me. He beat his steering wheel while going down the high way, tears running down his face, and we sat in the car in silence. He screamed, and was sure to let me know what a disaster I've made him, what horrible pain I have caused him. And right now, all I can see in the back of my mind is his eyes, those light blue, gray eyes, staring at me, with pain, hurt, and neglect. My bus number was called, and tears suddenly flew down my face. "It's okay baby, none of that, I'll always love you." As if - that made up for ruining the history of the past five years of love that we shared. I will always love him, But letting go of his hand, and knowing, possibly, that was the last time I would see his eyes so focused on me, - those eyes, draining his love for me, and letting it flow out of him - into the open - to vanish. It tears under my skin, like a disease to know that the blood that once ran clean through my veins is - dry. I never thought I would be the one to say goodbye.... I wish he hated me. I wish I didn't have to sit here, knowing, that I'm in his thoughts, and that he is loving me endlessly. That was what we promised, right?

I've faded into a new life, that I don't understand. I feel beyond the meaning of shattered inside, and I wait for the moment I find all the pieces to 'me.' Is he my cure? It feels so...

But nights like tonight, I feel worthless, meaningless, pointless, wrong - and lost. Not good enough. Not good enough....

The disconnection from my heart - to my soul is twisted with distance that I can't describe. My chest feels heavy tonight - and a pack of cigarettes - won't do the job. What is normal. What is real.

What do I need.... none of this is easy... Hope is slim... I suppose my heart is learning heartbreak and the burning sensation that run through my veins - a clear start - but no shelter.

Will this pain ever end...

Will you stop this burning, now?
21st-Mar-2009 12:16 am(no subject)
walking away
I absolutely hate saying goodbye to him.

I"ve been back home for the past week. It's been actually very nice. I've seen most of my friends, well, all my closest. Maybe not for as long as I would havel iked, but I got to spend time with them. Family is good, and so is the weather. It's been in the 80s all week! So I definitely have been having a wonderful time.

My wallet got stolen my way up here though. Someone found it, in the mens bathroom at the bus station. Go fucking figure. I had two hundred dollars cash in it. And EVERY bit of information about me you could need to steal my identity. Including my social security card... yes yes, I know, you're not suppose to carry that in your wallet! but I had it in my wallet (that I normally don't even have on me, I just carry the things I Need, such as my debit card/ID/cash, so on...) because I didn't know if I was going to need it here in town or not. I guess the point is, it's goood to know at least I have all my information/cards back.

School is kicking my ass. Tomorrow I'm going to study. And get ahead on things. I really do need to do that.

Work is shitty. I'm not looking forward to going back on Sunday, my double, and Trevor not being around. I'm going to miss his smiling face so much. His jokes... work is just going to be flat out depressing.

Money wise, I'm broke as FUCKKKKK! I spent two hundred dollars on ALisa, because she's having a baby and needed help getting things. I put it on my credit card, which I should probably check that bill right now.

Brandon. My love. I saw him tonight. He gave me an old hoodie, shirt, and pair of his boxers. I was joking about how thats everything a girlfriend should get from a boyfriend in a relationship. I got all three, in one night. He's completely and entirely amazing. I don't know what I would do without him. He means the world to me. He makes me smile like no other. Tonight was amazing. We had sex on the top of mount lemon, well, the "half way" mark. We got lucky and no one was there. It was amazing. He said something tonight like, that if he doesn't move up to Flagstaff by August, he'll "at least" spend a week with me up there. And when I started crying when we started to say goodbye. His exact words were,

"I'll always be here, waiting for you, right here, when you get back"

It was absolutely sweet. I don't know what I would do without him.....

I'm on abilify now. It seems to be working. I have serious writers block lately, so I'm going to stop updating. But i figured everyone would want an update to see if I"m alive.
13th-Mar-2009 01:27 am - RIP Trevor Peace....
walking away
Trevor. Trevor... Trevor....

Work won't be the same. Walking into the doors to head into the kitchen, and you won't be there to say 'just coming in?' and make some joke. You won't be there to make jokes about shit. You won't be there to call Suzy and I a cab. You won't be there to smoke a cigarette with during break. I won't hear new funny/crazy stories about you. I won't ever eat chili with you again. We never got to say goodbye. Why were you so stupid? Why did you drink to much. Why did you drink day after day. Why did you leave Suzy to dread work? And Jeremy and Marilin can't run off to joke with you while we're slow at the station. I can't stand at the register during break and make fun of students with you anymore. You won't ever come running after me at starbucks to give me a warning about the managers.

Why didn't you ever tell us you had liver and kidney problems? You knew we would of hounded you for drinking so much. We would of given you shit everyday to cut it out.

Why. Why. Trevor, god dammit, why.

Suzy's face was in twisted shock when Sharr told us. "did you hear the bad news about Trevor?" "What bad news?" "I thought you would know more then anyone here...." "What?"
"He's dead."

We'd just seen you less then twelve hours before. Suzy laughed. Said "you better be wrong. You better be wrong." She went to talk to the guy at Pizza hut. And she came back in tears. "It's true."

We were directed not to tell anyone until your parents came in and confirmed. I had to borrow Jeremy's pen, and not tell him. I had to look at all your other friends, and not say a word. We went home and smoked that weed you gave Suzy. We rolled a huge joint, and smoked the entire thing while crying.

Wednesday morning, I was called into work. Replacing your shift was now in order. We cried all morning. Got to work. And found everyone, everyone, in pure shock, and tons of tears. Marilin was standing against the wall at Basic, And I walked over to her and just hugged her. She cried instantly. Jeremy was in denial until later in the night. Jeff was in such a bad mood for you doing this. Mike (older one at the diner) was pissed off in general. And Mike (little Mike at the diner) was furious he'd taken another drink since he'd sobered himself. Him and I sat outside at close and talked about you, and how work will never be as 'enjoyable' again.

Customers were crying. You were so well liked Trevor. School on Thursday, another campus even, students were still talking of you, and crying.

Why Trevor. Why...

Your birthday is on Saturday. SATURDAY! you'd of been 22. Marilin says she's sorry, that she didn't go out with you over the weekend. Jeremy is sad he never got to say goodbye. Mike is sad he never got to tell you how good of a friend you were to him, and that he never knew you drank the way you did. Suzy is torn for the obvious reasons. Suzy is sorry though, she never went back inside Monday night to give you a hug goodbye. And that she's sorry, she was mad at you when she left work, because you never came and said goodbye, before you left work.

I'm sorry I never got a moment to tell you how GeeGee does look as you described. And how much I laughed when I saw her the next day. I'll always think of you when I see that old women. I'll remember you, when I walk through the doors. Or look over at the diner on the weekends, and remember Suzy standing at the glass, helping you close. I'll always think of you, when I'm standing outside with Suzy, waiting for a ride, particularly, a cab.

Why Trevor... You were too far of a good person.

Everytime I see Mike G. and I have starbucks, I'll think of you and your 'warning' and making sure I'm not 'stupid.'

Dammit Trevor.
I miss you....
10th-Mar-2009 09:38 am(no subject)
walking away
I am so sorry I haven't updated in quite a qhile. School has been kicking my ass. I'm trying to bring up my grades. But I can't seem to focus worth shit. Work is getting better, and I'm starting to get my house back. Other then that, i am trying to get my life together.

There really isn't much to update about, but I guess that just depends how you look at it.

I stopped taking my medication. I know I that I shouldn't do that. It's the worst thing to do for bipolar. But it wasn't working, and I saw no point in refilling my prescription, just to have another one to fill a week later. I've been extremely irritable and depressed. I have few moments where I'm in a "high" or Mania state of mind. I have an appointment with a psychatrist on Friday. So I can only hope for the best from that.

Brandon and I are still struggling. But that's nothing new. I'm not sure what he has been up to. I'm sure him and I will be talking today. I made it very clear to him that we need to. There is some drama going on regarding Aaron. I know no one really knows about Aaron, and that's okay. But to put it short. Aaron got mad I wouldn't give him nude pictures of me, and threatened to contact Brandon and make up lies. This worries me, because Brandon is already upset about the Kyle thing. And I don't know how strong our connection, let alone trust is, these days. And I know what sort of person Aaron is. He'll either just pull my bluff, or actually try to start shit. Although, this is sexual harrassment on many accounts. I'm just hoping he doesn't do anything and stays the fuck out of my life. It was a mistake to ever talk to him. I just know this will be something Brandon and I will argue about. Because Brandon wanted me to not talk to Aaron from day one. Two years ago. And for some lame ass fucking stupid reason, I had some belief that there was something 'good' about having him as a friend. But obviously, once again, Brandon was right.

I have my own insecurities about things with Brandon right now. I try not to let them hit the surface and bring out the anger. I try not to get to emotional and flip out over irrational aggrivation. Thats why I'm hoping him and I will talk. Soon. Because there is so much I have to say. So many questions...

I have high hopes for Brandon and I. And I do want to make everything right between us. I know that it is going to take time, but there is to much between us to let go of five years. I just hope he is in this with me.

I am going down to Sahuarita for Spring Break. Yeah. I leave Friday. I am excited. And I can not wait to see Brandon, Gavin, Amber... my family. I know that when I do see Brandon, our talk in person will be more significant to figuring out things between us. I just hope I do see him more then once, more then twice. I am going for the entire week mainly for him. So all I can do is hope for the best of things I suppose.

Im not sure what else to write about.

I have some serious writers block lately. And I feel like I am writing more facts then my feelings. I've been keeping most of my emotions locked inside. But I do promise to update entirely more when I can express myself in the right way

I'm sorry to those that I haven't commented, or read up on their journals. I just need to catch up with my life, I'll be back, and I'll be there, I promise....

I mean it, I promise.
24th-Feb-2009 02:08 pm(no subject)
So much to write about, and so little time.

I'm flat out just going to say this. You don't know how I feel. You don't get it. I have been patient beyond belief. I understand that there are things going on in your life. Things that are hard to handle and to put up with. But so am I. It hurts to sit here and deal with this shit. I hate that you're the only thing that makes me feel alive. The only thing that burns my soul, and the only thing that has enough of me which is all of me, to break my heart. What the fuck am I talking about. It's already broken. I'm broken. I'm this great total and complete idiot nut case. I'm everything you hate. You don't know how much it hurt me to leave. You STILL don't get why I cried so much. I've been gone... for TWO FULL MONTHS now. I left my entire life behind. My family. My friends. I was the first to say I was spoiled. I had everything. I knew I should of been HAPPY for crying out loud. I was the first to say it. And I'll never deny it. I was miserable. But I loved my life. And I left it behind. To get better. TO get help. To get stable. I left. I somehow walked onto that bus, I somehow tried. I felt worn and torn into the ground when I got onto that bus. I didn't feel there was any other reason to live. My heart stayed with you. My love. My hopes. My dreams. Jesus Christ, do you even know? Do you? I know that I have messed up, big time. I know at times it might not seem like I truly love you. I know that in the past year it has been hell to even be with me. But why now? why are we falling apart now? WHY!? WHY! WHY NOW GOD DAMMIT! Do you even know how much I hate myself for the things I do and say. Do you even know how much it hurts to be mad at you. To yell. To cry. To not understand why I feel certain ways? Do you know how much reading things like 90 percent of people who are married and have one person that is bipolar get divorced - yeah, nice. You think it doesn't upset me, when I read things like, people warning others about people that are bipolar - as if they're the devil. Not to love them. Not to get close to them. Not have kids with them. Don't trust them. So on. And so forth. Do you think I like feeling as if no one will stay with me, love me - and support and understand. Do you think I like my best friend even telling me she wouldn't marry Sean because he's bipolar? Do you know how badly all these thoughts turn on me? Do you know how hard it is for me to get through the day?

And worst of all, do you know how much you make my day when I actually get to talk to you?

No one gets it. No one is supporting me. I'm sitting here going to both a psychologist and a psychatrist. I thought I would get help here. But it's hell. FUCKING HELL. Work is the only place my mind is on automatic mode. And even still, it's starting to change. My emotions are starting to get the best of me there. Suzy and I are always finding reasons to get mad at one another. She's always frustrated with me. She doesn't support what I have. I thought she did, but I guess I was wrong.

I have no friends. I'm alone. And now I'm losing the most important person in my life. I know he's going through hell. I know there is so much going on that he can't even begin to focus on managing all his stress. I get that. But he's already told me that he's "tired of things" and "doesn't know how to go about things with us anymore." He's admitted he's not giving his all. And he even said that the distance between us isn't hurting him any. I know he didn't mean for it to hurt me. But if this bipolar depression shit is what is keeping him from loving me, then leave. Why doesn't everyone just LEAVE. It's not like I have any chance of being somebody anyways. Everyone in my life and in this world has basically made that very crystal clear for me.

I don't know what more to do in my life anymore. It's all entirely over with it seems. I wait for a call, it never comes. I try to have hope, it doesn't matter -I'll still be crying at night. I try to be nice, it gets walked all over. I trust, and I get abandoned once I expose myself. Whats the fucking point anymore.

My best friend. my boyfriend. My friends. The majority of my family even - they're fading from my life. No. I've faded....

I've seemed to of faded and been forgotten. There is nothing left for me. Nothing good. Nothing right. Why continue?

That's right. I have to go to class. That'll be my 'reason" for now
20th-Feb-2009 05:38 pm(no subject)
I'm having a very hard time accepting things in my life right now. I do not want to believe that I am bipolar. I do not want to believe this is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I hate that my medication doesn't seem to be working, and is only seeming to make me worse. I hate that I learn more about statistics to bipolar everyday. Such as, 90 percent of married couple where one partner is diagnosed bipolar - get divorced. I try to talk to Suzy about it, because divorce in general is something that scares me beyond belief. Anyone who knows me knows this. My parents getting divorced, and all their fighting, caused me to not believe in love. "I will never let love break me and leave me in pieces on the floor." I swore that to myself at the age of maybe 4 or 5. When I tell Suzy this statistic, "I know. That's why I probably will never marry Sean." ---- Thanks. I'm glad to know my own best friend wouldn't even think of marrying someone that is bipolar. So what does all this mean? That there isn't anything GOOD left for me? Fuck. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it! I don't want it to be real. I'll be at school (like today) and walking down the hall and I'll suddenly turn in the bathroom just because I realize I'm entirely, completely, and utterly, messed up in the head. I'm nothing worth loving. I'm a handful of stress. A constantly battle to deal with. I'm hard to understand. Hard to keep close. God dammit. It has been killing me for the past week or so. The more I think about it, the more suicidal my thoughts get. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow to get my medication straightened out. Maybe that will help. But it still doesn't change things. I will always have this. I will always be up and down. And I don't want to deal with it anymore.

I'm doing good in Flagstaff, yes. Well, no. I can't sleep, ever. I'm always awake. I'm always fighting to sleep. Begging myself to just fall asleep. It seems like the only time I can sleep is when I'm afraid of myself. Yeah, pathetic huh? Such as, when I'm home alone, and my thoughts get bad. I curl up in a ball on the couch, and just pass out until someone walks in the front door. This is my way of "staying alive." Or, whatever you want to refer it to. I can't pay attention in class. It's absolutely a challenge. And if I have to do homework, it's even a bigger challenge. Like tonight, I have two math assignments due at midnight. I wonder how long it's going to take me to decide, "hmmm, maybe I should do those right now." Work is good. But I spend money on so much pointless shit. I'm not allowed to spend anymore money for the next two weeks unless I HAVE TO. I have the gas bill to help pay, my share of the rent, my credit card bill, and in the beginning of march I have to help with the electric. Suzy said she'd handle the gas next month. It's just a load of shit, because I'm not getting any hours. I don't know.

Brandon. him and I haven't talked much. Which, I recently found out it's because there are things going on in his family. He hasn't said "I love you" in forever. I'm starting to think negative. Not things like; him cheating on me or ignoring me. But things like - that he possibly doesn't love me anymore. or that he can't put up with me. I'm to much of a head case to deal with now. That after five years he doesn't know how much more of me he can take. That I'm just a huge bother. That he could love someone else who isn't psychotic. That possibly I'm not good enough anymore. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do.

All I can say is I hate this bipolar shit with a firey deep passion. I need someone. Someone to understand. Brandon (half the time) acts as if it's something I just need to "get over" and move past. As if it's something I can control. I wish I could control it. I wish I could stop it. More then he'll ever know. This all kills me. Suzy gets it, but I don't think she knows how to support me. The other day she told me herself that I'm way different from Babs. That my ups and downs are so different. So it's hard to have support. I mean. I still have constant people supporting me. Even though I have grown to strongly dislike Nina. She's so much like my cousin. She trys to make me feel stupid about everything. whether she means to do it intentionally, or not. I don't like her. Like today, I was saying something about how Suzy would be one of those people who rode her bike on the road instead of the paths if it were shorter, and Suzy agreed. But then Nina had to cut in and make some bullshit comment about Suzy and "how shes changed since she left Tucson" (not in those exact words)

ALRIGHT BITCH! I thought I was Suzys best friend. But sometimes it sure as hell doesn't feel like it when I'm constantly slagging behind Nina and her. When Suzy is grabbing Nina's arm and running off. Or Nina is always in the living room while I sit in my room. It doesn't matter if I'm out there. Nina just makes sure that I know that "she is Suzys best friend in flagstaff, theres no room for me" At least thats the vibe I get. I can't stand her. Shes ALWAYS around. And I appreciate her driving me places (only reason I haven't blown up yet) but it still drives me out of my fucking mind. Nina gets under my skin SO MUCH that it's almost enough of a reason for me to pack my shit up and go home. EVEN WITH the shit I'd get from my family. Which is sad. Because I didn't even want to deal with that when the Kyle thing happened. ha. But no. Nina drives me that insane...

Which. Kyle is going to be here tomorrow night. God dammit. I just remembered that bullshitttt. FUCK MY FUCKING BULLSHIT FUCKING LIFE

I just want support. I want someone to actually hold me. The last hug I got was... well, my dad when he left here. The last hug where I felt actually.... security... Its been a long long time.... I want someone there... someone to accept me. Because I don't even accept myself. I need someone. I need someone so badly.... And at this point, I'm in the dark, and I have no one to turn to
14th-Feb-2009 01:01 am(no subject)

Please don't disappointment me today.
Please talk to me. Communicate with me.
Please don't let me stop believing in us.
Please don't let the flame in my heart go cold.
Please don't make me - let go.
Please baby, please...
Please don't go onto that site, and make it break my heart.
(Just because you aren't saying mean things, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt)
I remind you of that often.
Please baby,

Please... love me, don't stop loving me...

Love always,
the girlfriend
14th-Feb-2009 01:01 am(no subject)
walking away
today wasn't a good day. I had a down day. I guess this week has been 'down' all together. I'm not exactly what I last wrote about.. right, I wrote BEFORE I had my appointment...

I guess I'll start with that, my appointment. I'm just going to call her by her name, Carol, is probably the best therapist I've had yet. Out of the five I've had, she is more... I don't know. But I was entirely upset/nervous on my way to the appointment. I didn't want to go. And I just, I hate sitting here pondering "what is wrong with me?" I can't remember the last time I had someone give me a compliment referring to my personality. the last compliment I got was from my Grandpa when I was in Tucson; "good job Nichole, you've kept your weight off!" even that, was negative. My Grandpa thinks my entire family is fat. And I know I'm not. Yeah, I weigh more then I wish... but 'fat' wouldn't be the word for it. I don't know. I mean, Brandon did give me small compliments here and there. And of course he makes me feel good about myself (98 percent of the time) - I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression. I just. I don't know. I find myself always wondering What is wrong with me....

The appointment... well, was very basic. We talked about ways to control my emotions. And when my thoughts go out of control. Which, is basically, any time that my thoughts aren't in 'automatic mode.' Basically, so when I'm not constantly doing what i have to do. Which, is mainly when I'm at work. I can't even pay attention in class anymore. Or my homework. it's like the hardest thing in the world for me to actually care about what I'm doing.

She wants me to spend this next week separating thoughts from emotions. "what am I feeling" and "what am i thinking" - and keep track of the thoughts that come with the different emotions. I don't know. I guess this is suppose to help me control my thoughts from turning into emotions. I can only hope this helps I suppose.

I need to go to the doctor. Really really bad. I haven't gone since I left Sahuarita. And yeah, I had my lithium levels checked in the beginning of January but you're suppose to have them checked often I guess. So my goal is, tomorrow, to make an appointment with a doctor.

My emotions are still all over the place. but I'm doing better I suppose. I haven't slipped up and looked at Brandon's shit. I've actually been pretty good at keeping myself in check with that. But I'm starting to feel like shit. I wrote about this the other day. But I deleted that account hoping it would prove to him I'm serious about him and I. And making the changes I need to. I haven't talked to him in days. We've hardly spoken since I left Sahuarita. It's starting to seem like he is avoiding to tell me he loves me. I mean, he does. But we hardly talk/text. I don't even know what to do. I think I might of screwed up so bad, that he doesn't want to admit it, but we're not okay... That we aren't okay.

i don't even know what to do. I miss him so much. He means the world to me. And I know that I have hurt him. I keep sitting here thinking that it would just be better for me to break up with him so he can go on happy. Valentines day is coming up Saturday. and I would like to spend the day in complete affection with one another. the fact that a year ago on Valentines day, was... well, I know I never told him this. But the day that I actually let him have me all over again. It took me months after Kelly, but Valentines day, there was something about the way he touched me that night, his voice. When my mom picked him up, and he came out the door... when I saw him dressed up, I was... entirely... shocked. I didn't even get dressed up really... oh god. And that strawberry dipped in chocolate was absolutely AMAZING... I'd kill for one of those again... lol...
---- We laid in bed for hours talking (and other things) -- The way he looked at me that night. I don't know. Everything about that night meant a lot ot me. And now I'm way up here. And now, we... just, ugh. I don't want to be mean or pushy. But jesus. Fuck my life.

I don't want to think the wrong things. I've let the IMVU thing go. I try not to even think about it. But when we haven't talked, I'm wondering if he's at work, or is he talking to her. And I get furious. Not just about the entire situation. But at myself. I don't know what he's up to. My thoughts are all over the place when it comes to trying to figure out why we're so distant right now. I know we're having issues and whatnot. But the thoughts of him cheating on me aren't exactly my "main" thoughts. They're actually the least of my thoughts. Which you'd think different normally.

my cat is staring at my like he wants to go to bed. Or he wants me to feed him. ha. Now he's meowing. lol

Suzy got her identity stolen. Yeah. Tonight she was going to change the electric bill payment settings because she didn't think she had enough in her account. So we checked her online banking. Ends up, money was put into her account last week, that she didn't put in there. It shows you a picture of the slip, and they didn't put her address, phone number, or account number on the slip. meaning, they have a card of hers. Or, her social. It was an "out of state" deposit. Which, isn't good. Then, the signature, they put her middle name! WHAT THE FUCK. That's not like her at all. But why would someone just put money into your account? I don't know. So I guess we're going to the bank in the morning to figure out shit, what to do, blah blah blah....

Today at in my psychology development class, I had to study for a test. And it ends up. we're learning about the process of conception and birth. I did not know, that at fucking THREE TO FIVE WEEKS The brain is already starting to grow. Or that at five weeks it has feet, legs, toes... and they don't seperate until like... eight weeks. It's crazy shit. It made me sad. It totally made me decide I'm never having an abortion. The fucking thing already is starting to grow a brain BEFORE you even know you're fucking pregnant. Fuck that shit.

Then, I learned what "drugs, gasses, alcohol, smoking, and medications" can do to the fetus at one point throughout your pregnancy. It gives you a huge chart... like heart, ears, eyes, etx. Not only does it tell you that, but WHAT you CAN GET. Such as loss of hearing, sight... heart disease, irregular heart size.... etc...

Go figure. The eyes are dramatically affected from the beginning of the first trimester, or right before it I believe, all the way up to seven months....and the CATARACTS IS WHAT DRUG USE WILL CREATE!! There was another one, i can't spell it, but I had it.

Go fucking figure. Thanks Mom. Thanks for snorting your cocaine. Thank you. Truly. THANK YOU! I almost called my dad today and yelled at him to tell me when she did the drugs exactly. But I didn't. I just have to let it go. It's not like I didn't know that already. But to know that within that large gap of time, the eyes are one of the most easily affected things through the pregnancy. And the heart.

I don't know.

lately I've been having a lot of shit thoughts of self harm. I think I need to see a doctor about my levels. I don't think I'm in a therapeutic level with my lithium. At least not a high enough one. Or I possibly need to change my medication. I'm not sure. But I know that my thoughts are sometimes, seeming, to get worse.

Oh just so everyone knows. I might not be writing for a while. Someone violated my trust, and friendship, and contacted Brandon, creating lies, and bullshit. so... it's made him upset. It wasn't just about him and I, it was about me in general. I stopped writing for years because of this already. I don't really want to do it again. But I might. I don't know. I still need to talk about Brandon about it. But if I do stop, I won't stop reading everyone's entries. I promise.

\I should really get to bed
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